2020. My year.

Who went in 2020 and was adamant to make it their year? To finally turn the odds around you; by hook and by crook you were gonna win it and said 2020 IS GOING TO BE MY YEAR! I know I was. I was full of hopes. I was gonna be kurus again, was going to leave my low paying job and find something that actually pays well and finally have that stability I was longing for and perhaps even start on planning on adding another one to the family.

2020 started with so much hope, I went on JobStreet, LindkeIn, Indeed and applied as much as I could, even irrelevant ones for that matter because all I wanted to do was just find another place to kick start my 2020. I landed some interviews, which to be honest is so hard to get nowadayssssss. I remember applying for jobs last time and it was  a sure interview, now its more of a waiting game and lots of uncertainty. Some interviews went well, some interviews were nerve-wracking (the one based on my previous post, which I did not get I might add) and some were those that made you rethink if you really wanna work there. You know those type? That you just wanna get out of there the minute the interview starts. Lol.

Despite going interviews after interviews, I didn’t get to land any jobs. Bukan rezeki kata orang but the stress was getting to me. I wondered if I would ever leave my low paying job I have, if I would ever find the stability I see other people have, I even wondered if the possibility to grow my family the following year was even an option.  

Fai : We’ll probably never have a 2nd kid because I’ll probably never land another job that pays me a decent pay.

Mazir: Sabar. Ada tu just keep on looking. 

Fai: Yeah like when? December? *continues to ramble on and on.

That was January. The news of the Coronavirus was emerging almost everyday. I was in the middle of checking Shopee out (as usual) and was asking my friend if she thinks its still safe to get things from Shopee as I was about to check things out from China. Then soon Sabah state announced they’re no longer letting China flights in. I was still job searching then but albeit nothing.

That time industry shifted because they could no longer depend on their China wholesalers and had to focus on domestic. We had our Town Hall sometime that week and our DCEO announced we’ll only be receiving 25% of our bonus that month. Then came the news about the Tabligh case, and we heard a few stories about how there was 1 in Tawau and 1 in KK. Next thing we knew, PM announced PKP. I remember switching off my computer on March 17th telling everyone we’ll see each other again in the next 2 weeks.

Then right before the 2 weeks ended, PM announced we were going to extend the PKP for another 2 weeks. I thought, huh. I can do it for 2 weeks, we all can do it for another 2 more. Our company announced we had to go on half pay, some were given unpaid leave, some were laid off. And we were still in PKP. But we entered April, then we entered May. People were starting to feel restless, heck- a whole lot of people at that time were fined compared to the number of cases we had back then.

I enjoyed the first month of PKP, I never got be a housewife. I had to leave for work when Naia was 2 months old so to catch up and spend time with the little one. But after a while, the financial constraint of having to get groceries, to get necessities for the little one became quite overbearing. By that time I think half the Malaysians were begging to come back to work.

Now half the year is gone. We’re entering 2nd week of August, and a lot of people are still living in uncertainty. 2020 hasn’t been a good year for a lot of people, and for people like me; where we constantly need to think of back ups and contingency plan. It’s been hard. It was hard for me to let go and completely let the world take its course and leave it all up to God.

My mum always says to leave things up to God and quite frankly I found it quite annoying everytime she says this. Because no matter how much we leave things up to him we have to think of back up plans right? We can’t just go with the flow. Well – every single plan, back ups, just did not happen this year 😂 I don’t think I’ve learnt so much in my 26 years compared to what I’ve learn in 2020, life is just full of uncertainties.

It’s funny, coz I hear this a lot. But I never really understood it. Maybe it’s also because I’m one to always have a contingency plan. What if this, then this would happen, if this then this. But 2020 just turns you upside down, then back up and down. It’s crazy. Looking back 8 months ago, I wouldn’t think I’d be where I am today.

Today, I’m grateful. I’m blessed. And most importantly I’m happy. We have another 4 more months to go until we end the year, I’m honestly scared and nervous with the unknown. I guess that’s okay too.

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